I'm aching everywhere. EVERYWHERE. My thighs, my calves, my arms and my stomach. Training is kinda strenuous nowadays. Don't really know whether it is a good thing or not, but I just know that I keep cursing in my mind during those rounds of running up and down staircases. Cursing about my poor fitness and how muscle aches can torment you like that.

Hmmms, was chatting with Chan online and pondered about many things.
Training, is something that is so 2-sided. There were so many days when I feel really tired after those stupid long boring lessons which serve no meaning at all, and I want a slack training so I can go home earlier to sleep. But there are times when I want a freaking tiring one so I can wake up and feel that the day is better spent and more purposeful. However, most of the time, the results always seem to be otherwise.

Coach was giving some lengthy talk about treating training seriously blah and well, I've kinda lots of thoughts. well, I do admit we're really slack at times, laughing and laughing like some arseholes, but I guess we just need some time to adjust. It has been long since we had hell-like trainings and it'll take time for us to adapt to his high expectations.

Sometimes I wonder, are expectations good?
Expectations, caused me many a times to sink even deeper in disappointment when I could not hit my own goals. When I had no expectations, good results made me even more surprised and happy. But when I achieved crap-like results, I felt empty. Hollow and empty. it's as if a stone dropped into a bottomless pit. Hard and small, yet significant and noticeable.
Expectations can really make one breathless. Those from my parents and siblings once made me suffocate. Their expectations seem to be practically listed on a piece of paper, and they're just sitting there watching the events in your life unfold, while ticking the checklist of expectations. Those targets which you hit and those which you failed to do so, and most of the time, miserably.

Dang, but I do admit expectations make your life more purposeful and organized. Less junk-like. Sometimes, you really wish you can totally abandon everything except yourself. Not having to care about anything. Nothing in the world being significant, but the enjoyment of that present second.

Anyways, yeah, I kinda feel happy when I sweat like some mad pig (although I already do just by warming up), after running rounds and rounds. The hot feeling which warms the entire body rocks totally. You can feel all the fats gone. esp tummy fats! hahaha. I think every girl will feel just great when they know they're on the journey to having a nice sexy body. Although it is kinda impossible for me, but whatever.
I've lower expectations of myself heh.

Compare it to the first year of bball in dhs, when our existence was insignificant and worthless. We were A.I.R.

Ah, was chatting with the juniors last saturday about third lang and I felt a wave of emotions. Remembered about those times when I was packing my french worksheets into one gigantic file and chucking it away since I chose to quit French. Sometimes, I really feel darn sad when I just look at the textbooks and worksheets. The times when my dad helped me print those dossiers, the nights which I burned midnight oil just to finish the stupid darn online compo, the afternoons when I was struggling in class to stay awake, and when finally awake, am actually staring into blank space, hearing but not listening, absorbing no shit but just watching the teacher's mouth move and move and move.
Then I'll tell myself; okays, you gonna be a gud girl and go home to read through the shit posted online and do self-revision and online homework!

Smart people will know that those were never achieved. Apparently my IQ is like below 70.....
Weeks of work piled up like crazy and french lessons seem to hold no purpose anymore because I did not achieve anything out of it. So smart me came out with another theory; that I should pon the lessons to play ball and again, GO HOME and do self-study online, since all the powerpoints were online.
did it work? NAH.

I realise I'm constantly giving myself excuses and reasons so that i can stick with my principles and make the whole world except me seem wrong. obstinate mule.

Sigh, but I don't think I regret quitting. Fridays are a rest day and something to look forward to, and I can really really really slack without anything nagging at the back of my mind. And I'll really laugh and be happy, instead of those days when I laugh really hard and suddenly just stop cos I remember the numerous lies I told to be there laughing with teammies.
The only thing I regret was that I did not have enough perseverance to persist through, or I did not quit it like, last year?

People Are Crazy by Billy Currington is a nice country song(:
And yeah, people are really crazy, esp girls. Okays lah, esp me okays okeh, dont wanna offend anybody hahaha.
I was just telling chan that we're weird. When people who once ignored you are nice to you, you'll wonder why they're like that. Then when they're some mean assholes, you'll think: guailan, siao one, pms, don't care them. want cold war is it? OKAY LAH, come lah!
hahaha.
Sounds so typical of me.

Ah, I spent half an hour reflecting. And I can't believe that I'm so overwhelmed with emotions that my eyes are kinda teary. how stupid. nevermind, no one is here to see how stupid and fugly and pathetic I look now.
getting kinda late now. I wanted to sleep earlier, and chiong chinese compo tmr in school. -.-

CHALET (: hahahaha. and I made a checklist. next week gonna be a hectic week. really busy. so many targets to meet.
PRFT.


>>Qi:: lols I thought anon was spelt correctly. yeah, being absorbed in doing the best of everything feels really great(: and touch my hand by david archuleta is like WOW SO NEW HORH! hahaha