We lost.
to Naval Base 51-33.

Horrible score, and it is my fault. Coach is disappointed, I'm sad I suppose? I don't know, was feeling numb all the way, then started feeling lost and empty.
That kind of feeling which you know you're feeling terrible but you can't exactly explain why.

We didn't have any expectations and yes, we screwed up, but I don't exactly think we would win anyway if you were to see the whole picture. They were tougher, their defence was tight, and although their rebounds were kinda horrible, they could pass.
I don't know, I was feeling lost throughout the entire match and a little emotional when my shots failed terribly. You know it when you have no feel, and when you are asked to just shoot as if the ball will miraculously go in, how would you feel?
My defence was screwed and I caused a lot of turnovers.

Gah, when I was walking home listening to my ipod, I was wondering what on earth I was doing then. totally didn't deserve to play. Then I had a weird thought. I wished nats were over and we don't need to play anymore. It's really weird. I just wanna go back to the fridays when we would spend our time aimlessly shooting hoops and laughing like some retards over nothing.

Indeed, it's our last year, and the next two years will be aimless for me. I gonna continue with bball cos I like the sound of the ball going into the net and the smiles my teammates show when they contributed 2 points, even if it's Qi's ridiculously far layups, or Rae's center moves, or Crystal's crazy shots, or Jingmei's weird 0-angle left-hand layup.....they are all part of the memories, aren't they?
The feeling of fatigue and muscle strain makes me know that I'm actually alive, and at least I'm doing something different from the mundane routine that everyone else is having.

I don't know how to improve and I wouldn't be able to. How to shoot consistently? :/ OH eff.
Now I don't even have the bloody right to teach the juniors how to shoot, or even encourage weiwen to shoot more. When she asked me that day on the mrt after the match, "Christina, how to shoot?, I was lost for words. In my mind, I was thinking "you sure you want to ask me? It's like the blind leading the blind. You don't wanna be such a failure. So what if the shooting form is good and everything?"

Ah, I'm talking too much again. This always happen when I don't filter my thoughts. Nevermind, two years down the road when I'm like Wanting who comes back to see juniors play and I read this post again, I'll be overwhelmed with emotions never felt before. I'll be so busy like the rest, burying their heads in books, competing with each other for just a ridiculous piece of paper called the cert. Despite it being JUST A THIN SHEET OF PAPER, it is enough to control my life and mindset.
Oh damn it.
Seriously if we were to tell the poor nations what we are all fighting for, they would think we are insane. There they are, helping each other survive and hunt for food and feeling pangs of hunger more than often, while we are here fighting over a non-living thing, enjoying the warmth from the sun and coolness from air-conditioners, getting stressed over studies.

I should seriously stop ranting. Whoever who read word by word of this post until here, I salute you. How can people stand my rantings and ravings? Chan, how did you do that!

I'm getting sick and tired of myself. I turn cranky and annoyed easily nowadays. Whywhywhy!
Am I turning into some bad-tempered bitch? Oh no.
I should start reading more often, then at least I can feel detached from reality for around 2 hours. Then when I start walking back home from the library late at night, the breeze will clear things up and by the time I reach home, bathe and sleep, things will be fine the next day (:

No training tomorrow. When I received Ann's message that there was no training tomorrow, the immediate thought was "sian". But it's not like coach will believe we want to train right.


When you decide to cling onto what's gone, you'll realise that what was once a miracle has ceased to exist. Shattered disillusions are merely what's left