It is 15 mins before midnight. o.o Today seems short because it was productive and I feel that weekends are no longer a drag anymore.

ACE Group work at Jiamei's house. Woke up at 7 and took the circle line to Yishun, only to realise that Jamie would be one hour late. So we had KFC's porridge for breakfast. It's really yummy, except you should take note not to spam pepper cos it'll totally destroy the taste.

Completed the ACE Poster already and there was a great sense of accomplishment. Spent alot of time rotting and sidetracking, but it was fun in general (: Jiamei's parents are really nice and fed us loads of food hahaha.
Pics:





Apparently I decided to sleep for half an hour and kinda jolted out of my sleep when Xintian and Jiamei woke me up. I think I look really horrible and unglam when I'm asleep. I can feel it. Oh wells, when you're really asleep, you don't really care how you look like. You just want a good sleep and that's all you care about. If looks mattered so much, you might as well wear a nice masquerade mask when sleeping on the airplane.


They tried putting this pic as a wallpaper but apparently it looked pervertic. I guess I still can sleep anywhere and everywhere. I remember dozing off in less than a minute when I hit the sofa.

Then collated the history things so I felt great when I left at around 4:30. Grace didn't come again due to some unforeseen circumstances. At first, I was kinda annoyed because of the lack of contribution but I had a different thought at the end of the day. If she was present, things would have been kinda awkward from time to time because of the lack of conversation topics. Then everything that was conversed would be superficial.

Cleared some air with my mum. Actually we didn't. We just began talking again. I think we're just waiting for the other side to open up. And I need to learn how to resolve conflicts. Or at least stop a misunderstanding from turning into something grave.
At least things are better now since I don't have to dread going home these days and wage a cold war at home. I know an apology would rectify everything, but what for, if deep down inside, you don't feel sincerely sorry?

I rather someone blatantly tells me that they are still feeling annoyed with me but the status quo isn't exactly what they are hoping for, instead of apologizing, despite the fact that that's the last thing they wanna do. Can't people be more frank and true to themselves? If they really are, this world would be void of backstabbers and betrayals.

Yoga was great. I feel more relaxed and my mind seemed to be calmer.


Everything is a matter of perspective. I don't regret having such thoughts since it can't be helped if I thought like that. Did contemplate about posting it but since this is my personal space and outlet to let out my frustrations, I didn't see why I had to consider so much. It's really redundant to password protect all the supposedly personal posts, or bury them deep in my heart. I feel better letting things out, and at least I wouldn't deny anything if anyone were to approach me and beginning questioning everything. Don't see the need to conceal so much. Being frank and addressing whatever you're facing may not provide desirable results, but it's much better than escaping.

It's true everything would have probably diminished to nothing if I allowed time to allow the emotions to fade away, so it would have been absolutely unnecessary to speak so much shit. Actually this is absolutely true. But why torture myself into believing that I'm feeling alright at that point of time, when after typing everything out, I feel more at ease?


A mountain out of a molehill?
Maybe perhaps it was a mistake altogether.
But what's done cannot be undone and they say that as impressions and emotions turn vague, your heart begins to harden and close up.


Danzage was fine.
It was a great way to relax but after that tired night, it kinda sucked to return back to reality and face the mountains and piles of work.
And I think dancing is so much harder than bball.
Andand, modern dance seems harder than hiphop since it's so graceful and everything, but is it me or it just has the capability to make you space out for a few seconds?

Met Qi and Chan at tampines for dinner. Ate at pastamania.
And while Qi went to pee me and Chan had fun in the baby changing room. There were people staring at us but I don't care.

Really missed the days when I was younger when things came by so easily. Now, you have to fight or argue for things to have your way.












Cold war Talk today was okay. Surprisingly, I had a good sleep.


Seriously, don't take my indifference and easygoingness as nonchalance and submission, and begin treating me as an easy target for your manipulative ways with my emotions. Just because you claim you can't do it doesn't mean that I've to be your lackey whom you call at your whims and fancy. I'm always the last jigsaw piece to fit in the puzzle isn't it? To just blend in anywhere when everyone is comfortable with where they are, and there's this empty spot that no one is willing to fill up. It's that convenient.

Trying to make the best out of every situation to satisfy everyone does not mean I'm exactly happy with whatever I'm doing, nor do I VOLUNTEER, beg or pray every night to be caught in the kind of situation when I've to satisfy the whole world but myself

I was really pissed off, annoyed and disappointed. I'm not obligated to do anything, but there is this part of me who feels like it wouldn't hurt to help. I was really thrilled and brimming with pride when people around me were happy. Yes it didn't hurt when everything was smooth-sailing, but it pains me when everything is taken for granted.

The speed that everything just shot out of your mouth surprised me, or should I not be surprised when at times you fail to note my annoyance and continue with your inappropriate comments at that point of time. Sarcasm has its limits. Nevermind, I shall continue to be the accommodating one.

I thought I would feel apathetic now and everything would resume back to normal but it didn't.. I didn't know I would feel so strongly about this but I'm glad that after today, I know I've more ego and resolve than I thought i did.
And surprisingly, I don't and didn't regret saying
Fuck You


Today's Rehearsal was a waste of time. -.- How come I don't feel anything when I knew I was going to receive the award? No sense of accomplishment but just a feeling of indifference.

Circle Line is really really really fast. fast fast fast. Now there's a lesser reason for me to be late, haha.

And damn those math assignments. Roar. Hate it hate it hate it.
Good lucks for math test tomorrow people!
First time I'm feeling so apprehensive and insecure, because I did all the preparations I possibly could, but I feel so empty, as if I did nothing at all.


you're just really great at making a big fuss out of nothing yeah?
Maybe it was complacency on my part when I assumed that you knew how and what I felt.
I admit I'm unreasonable at times, and I don't exactly think before I speak, but I'm still a growing kid and I've every right to spit everything that's on my mind out.
I don't succumb to expectations, neither will I turn ever turn submissive without any justifications. Seriously please, from day one I was born into this world, you should have already known that I was some troublesome pest. Yeah I'm one selfish bitch and probably everything negative in this world, but did you even know that those stuffs were part of a change of lifestyle? Reducing my bloody consumption because I had plans for other stuffs.

I can never keep my mouth shut, can I?


Just a sudden thought. How many times have we dug pits for ourselves to fall in?
There are so many regrets and unhappiness from the decisions we made ourselves that it's silly to lament about how life sucks.
But I guess I can't help feeling pathetic and that the life I'm living now isn't even worth being mentioned or compared to anyone poorer but richer than me. Poorer in wealth and status, but richer in life experiences.

Yes, it isn't time for such talks, since everyone's burying their heads in their work and notes, busy catching up with their schedules and expectations, and I'm supposed to follow suit. But I felt tired.
All of a sudden.
During the CIP teaching tutorial with the kids.

Tired of repeating myself umpteen times but not being understood a least bit,
tired of having to smile even though being superficial is the last thing I want to be,
tired of shaking things off my shoulders with self-delusional thoughts,
tired of deceiving myself even though the least I could do for myself was to be entirely honest instead of emptying myself of self-satisfying thoughts,
tired of this, tired of that.

I need to catch up on my SLEEP oh no, but I feel awake (not refreshed though) and my hair is still wet.

I shall drift off to a happier topic if not this blog will seem overly-gloomy. My blog shall be a happy place too for those who read this pathetic blog. Heh, I know SOME PEOPLE out there read and don't tag. Assholes. >< There's something called a site meter and mine is more advanced than those normal ones which hits will jump everytime you refresh the page hahah.

Does anyone find something to look forward to every week, even if it's a something minute and maybe even not worth-mentioning? Well, I do, and it has perked my moods really well.
Like I'll look forward to having an ice-cream from Mr Bean every Tuesday with Yushan before CIP, or having a family day out during the weekends, or playing ball every Friday, and try to think of the experience as something rare as time passes by.

Maybe it's during these times when you lack time to pursue personal interests, that you begin looking around for long-forgotten and forsaken memories, for self-consolation that you were once lucky to experience such events which may seem extraordinary compared to everyday's mundane lifestyle.

Repercussions of growing up - how and when can we ever finish measuring them?



If life was a voyage, will I never reach my destiny?
Cruising around in the same area, will things stay status quo?
Getting out of the comfort zone is easy, convincing yourself that you want it is difficult.

Trip to the blood bank was a failure. Didn't donate any blood because my iron content was too low. the reading was 12.1 and I just had to hit 12.5 in order to donate blood. Damn it -.- Anyway I'll go try again this July when my dad there again. And 2 weeks before that I'll spam the iron supplements they provided me.
Roar. I feel so unhealthy. They say that pig liver is rich in iron. It's nice ey, except it looks and sounds disgusting.

I feel tired.
And how ironic it is, since I slept from 2 to 5, and have been slacking the entire day doing nothing.

Nevermind, tomorrow will be a better day.

And that sounds ridiculously immature cos it's self-deceiving.



Embark.
This pic is really encouraging. I don't know, I can sense the satisfaction and pride upon the taste of final success. Victory is really sweeettt. But it's definitely because the process was arduous and painstaking, that's why it's so rare and appreciated. If success came and went easily, it'll probably be treated the same way as frivolous friendships whereby people just walk in and out of your lives - they didn't exactly enter our hearts and neither did we contribute much love, time and friendship, so their departure would not be a loss or anything to be saddened about.

What shall I say? Today was satisfying. It felt as if for once, a long Thursday has ended on a good note.
And I'm feeling really lethargic now, but I'm happy.

Napfa early in the morning, and I already had a brief warm-up when I was almost late for flag-raising. Sweated like mad, ARGH, hate the sticky feeling.
2.4 was okay. I mean, I hit the timing which I wanted, although I knew I could do much better since there wasn't any lactic acid build-up, but it all has to do with my mentality, so nothing can really be helped.

Then the Physics Balloon- Car thing thing. Okay lah, at least the car moved to a distance which got us an A (: Although the initial speed of our car really made me laugh out loud.
And I learnt one thing today, I seriously can't be messengers. My message passing is really -.-

And the best thing today, was probably the touch rugby clinic after school (:
At first when we were doing the passing drills, I was thinking "Oh no, BORING. Isn't this like bball training, except it's so much worse??"
And I don't think I told anyone this, but I hate RUGBY BALLS. As in the ball, cos it's so uncontrollable and unpredictable. I abhor being dictated and controlled, let alone by A NON-LIVING THING. The idea is really ridiculous. I think the shape of the ball is cute though (: At least it's less conventional and boring (like ROUND)

Pretty? hehe

then when everyone started playing and having fun, I thought it felt really great to laugh about a sport once again. Since when have we laughed heartily because of bball?
Interclass's coming so maybe we'll have some stuffs to laugh about netball, but I aint keeping my hopes high or expecting much. It's just cos every interclass reminds me of something negative. Year one was horrible cos I felt so helpless when I played with a sprained knee during the semi-finals and finals. Year two interclass made me feel inferior cos I couldn't play volleyball. Last year's interclass made me know that I actually cared about how people view my basketball skills and I had most confidence in this sport. After the entire thing, I was disappointed at my lack of self-control over my emotions and how quickly I gave up. This year? Ha, I don't know. The choice of teammates was already an issue. But nevermind, I'm always the bad woman who is bloody effing vocal and who can't keep her mouth shut. And because she's so desperate to win, she ignores the feelings of others and just does everything to her whims and fancy. I can't exactly say that such an impression wouldn't be felt, but still, I made an effort to ensure my tone and everything was correct. Ah nevermind, I just hope everything cools down.

And then there's this stupid referee-ing thing. I was telling Qi, I can totally predict the souring of relationships with the juniors after their interclass. Bias is a matter of perspective. See the kajun thing, now almost every girl in our level have a horrible impression of him zzz. I don't know, he wasn't obliged to ref so I've nothing to say.
-.-
It's really ridiculously immature.
I don't like explaining myself to anybody, unless it's really necessary or I feel obliged to. I do whatever I want because simply, I like it, or I think it's right. What other reasons would I do things for? For others to judge the person I am? And I don't exactly mind that because almost every stranger in school has a warped impression of me anyway.

I remember wanting to type something more but I just forgot, cos I spent about 30 seconds spacing out, listening to songs by Orianthi.

Anyway, currently...
I'm reading a nice book about a person hooked on to a brain-stimulating drug. Apparently the description is Viagra for the brain haha.
How different will things turn out, when one day you wake up and find yourself a total different person? The change may not be negative, but embracing and absolute acceptance of that change will be difficult.

And I'm going to donate blood with my dad this saturday! Yay haha. The blood bank messaged him that they are in urgent need for blood. Kinda looking forward to saturday. Weird I know. I think it's also cos I'll be getting the stuffs I wanted to get for a really long time.

For once, the belief that after every tunnel appears a beam of light does not seem naively optimistic.


It has been really long since I posted emails, not to mention that I hardly post them in chinese, but my uncle sent me one that was really meaningful, and I gonna post it here so it wouldn't be forgotten (:

出生一张纸，开始一辈子；
毕业一张纸，奋斗一辈子；
婚姻一张纸，折磨一辈子；
做官一张纸，斗争一辈子；
金钱一张纸，辛苦一辈子
荣誉一张纸，虚名一辈子；
看病一张纸，痛苦一辈子；
悼词一张纸，了解一辈子；
淡化这些纸，明白一辈子；
忘了这些纸，快乐一辈子！

2010 新概念
一个中心：一切以健康为中心

两个基本点：遇到事情潇洒一点，看世糊涂一点

三个忘记：忘记年龄，忘记过去，忘记恩怨

四个拥有：无论你有多弱或多强，一定要：
拥有真正爱你的人
拥有知心的朋友
拥有向上的事业
拥有温暖的住所

五个要：要唱，要跳，要俏， 要笑，要苗条

六个不能：不能饿了才吃，不能渴了才喝，不能困了才睡，不能累了才歇，不能病了才检查，不能老了才后悔

ha I typed all of that cos the email was in traditional chinese.
I know this sounds chimmish or cheena but oh wells, it makes sense and all of a sudden it hit upon me that many a times we take things too seriously.
In our attempt to "pursue the best", claiming it's for ourselves, we torment our bodies and we hardly stop to ponder if we really really really enjoy what we are doing.

I aint saying that since you don't like to mug you shouldn't study, but ohwells, there are times to take things easy and reward yourself when you see an improvement or something.

Did chinese proj with Chan today and I conclude that it's productive. Ate alot alot.
Shopped for her sports stuffs and I saw some clothes that I like hehehe.

And ohwells, I guess I will try not to let that impression be tarnished by what everyone says. Just treat it normally, since he proved he could do it too, and his was much worse lah. Although it's slightly or shall I say VERY different, but I guess it's all the same. Heh I aint talking cryptic, but only Chan'll understand I think.


Don't mistake degradation for change.


AHHHHHH!

Save me oh no.

Why does procrastination sink in whenever I'm so determined to do work.
Woke up really early today in a bid to do my stuffs but I ended up slacking like a pig. Dozed off and happily found a comfortable person to sleep even longer -.-

Then when I was doing the chinese reflection article, I was actually stoning in to space and it took me like 5 minutes to realise it. Goodness gracious.
And I borrowed a super nice addictive book so i spent 5 hours chionging it -.-
Screwed priorities you'd say.

Sometimes I wished there was this someone who would be my tutor, bball instructor, mugging partner and sunset buddy. hehehe, wouldn't it be so cool.

I think ACE lecture was a waste of time yesterday, although the idea of 2 countries fighting over R.O.C.K.S. is kinda hilarious. Went to do PW at Chan's house after eating at Burger King. I conclude that burger king is nice (:
Cheese cake's CRUST was nice! I like the buttery feeling. And I think we didn't end up sidetracking so everything was conclusive.

Actually I don't think next week is very stressful or what, cos the tests involved doesn't really require MAD memory work. But I'm totally dreading Physics test because I currently HAVE NO IDEA what Mrs Har is teaching during Physics. Buck up buck up!

Many people say they dread mondays, but I'm okay and kinda look forward to it.
A start is much better than an end right?
I think that applies to almost everything, like friendships, love, meaningful events, studies and blahblah. Even sorrow is counted in, because I believe it's all these emotions which cultivate sensible thoughts in us.

Anyway, this picture is nice hahaa.
And did I tell anyone before that I love eating eggs. And hotdogs. yummy food.



It doesn't take a heartbreak to realise you care


feeling tired now.
today was great cos I finally felt relaxed after a long week. But if only my shooting was better
but ohwells, it's alright.

Tmr's some lecture so I shall sleep earlier....
very zombie-like now.......... and there isn't exactly much to post. Actually there are quite reflective stuffs to type but I shall type them some other day when the mood is correct.

Talked to Syl alot these days and we seem to talk endlessly. her dad gonna fetch me to school tmr (: But I still need to wake up quite early oh no.

oh and tell me how weird this is. I like seeing blog viewership going up but when the referrals allow me to know who's viewing, I feel weird.
Invasion of privacy like what Syl said? i don't think so... But it's just o.o-ish I guess, when people you least expect, starts knowing about the little details of your life and know what's going through your mind. Not to mention that my mind functions really crappily and I dont really think twice.

chieh. (have been using this for the past few months but it doesn't exactly have a meaning i realised)

-----
I don't know... Shan't think about it cos when I embrace it, the problem doesn't surface, but when it gets out of my sight, the nagging feeling gets onto my nerves. damn. There isn't anything I can do anyway, since nothing will be reciprocated. As much as I want to deny its existence, reality is forcing me to believe otherwise.


Just came back from Rae's Churchy Chalet cum BBQ.
Learnt alot of stuffs and the video was really nice (: I love watching vids.


It felt really serene at night when there you feel the strong breeze and hear the strong wave currents. I think that feeling was all that I needed to feel better and more at ease. Thanks rachel! (: hehe.



Lunch was wonderful cos the nasi lemak was yummy. Felt happy at the thought of food once again (See, Chansou!) And I didn't camwhore definitely. Stupid rachel made it look as if I did roar. A camera in Rae's hands = unglam photos spammage. And since she was the photographer most of the times, she has got very little photos :/

We went to a nice hut and crystal and I attempted to look like a couple from the back. Big fail I tell you. In the end, when I wanted her hand to point somewhere like we were appreciating the scenery, it looked like the hitler salute -.-
Then we started playing with shadows and it was ultimate gayness.



But it was ultimate fun (:

Night pictures were horrible because of my lousy phone. Tweaked the brightness of the images and the quality still sucks, but I shall post them anyway. Don't wanna waste my efforts.


Basically it's rachel's stupid SMART idea. I found the light bulb of a lamp which looked like a smiley face and crystal was amused that the "smiley face" moved cos she shook it -.- Rae wanted to pretend that she was afraid that the coconuts would fall from the coconut tree when I don't think there was any coconuts to begin with!
Anyway when we begin to zihigh you know how retarded we can be.

really tired now after updating my music library and blending those images. Shall go and 睡觉.
I LOVE SLEEEPPP.
just wished I had a life-size bear to hug. AHHHH.


We can't go on
pretending day by day
that someone somehow would soon make a change



Shiny sparkly water droplets. The light rays made me miss day all of a sudden. The vibrant sun beams shining down and the intense heat ....

I just wanna spend an entire day at the beach, suntanning and sleeping, with no one around of course. There's this "thing" about suntanning that will let people raise their eyebrows. No, I'm not a vain pot who cares about how she looks like, because there isn't anyone to satisfy. Why would I bother about getting the acknowledgement and recognition of others if I don't feel 100% comfortable with who I am yet? I think it's all about meeting the standards and expectations you set for yourself and achieving them. It's not exactly about being thin or what, but it's about not being fat. Fat thighs, ROAR. Ahhhhh! hehe. I'm always thinking what I'll become when those muscles turn into fats. OHNO.
Although my skin colour kinda sucks since I don't get the nice golden tan, I don't want to be white, and I just love the sun (: Rather than waiting for global warming to worsen and more stupid UV rays attack my skin, I shall enjoy the sun asap hehe.


Don't have the mood to do anything. Damn it.
After that teeny weeny conflict with my mum. Wasn't allowed to stay overnight at Rae's house. I don't know which was which; whether she was annoyed that it was a short notice or whether I was staying overnight. They just don't entertain the idea... Sometimes I wonder what's going through their minds. They claim that they trust me and now they're saying that I'm taking the freedom for granted. -.-

I'm censoring myself like mad, when vulgarities are streaming through my mind right now. Since I don't believe in my self-control, I might as well just learn how to auto-censor.
And my grandma made some comments which irked me, although her tone told me that she was just concerned and nice. She thought I was going out with my boyfriend and it would be a good thing if I just stayed at home, I won't worry my parents by fooling around. I can't understand her perceptions and mindsets. She hasn't changed one bit since 5 years ago. I still remember it till today, when Nigel Ng called my house number for 3 times (ONLY!) and when I came home, she was rather harsh and kinda reprimanded that I must behave myself. -.- damn it. Am I suppose to wear a veil when I leave the house?! and that's why Jacoblim, you cannot come to my house you idiot. haha.

zzzz. Why am I typing such personal stuffs here. Things just aren't as liberal as they are.
And for goodness sake, when can they believe that I aint like other girls. oh fuck. [oops]
Exasperated now.
I think they call it bek-cek.
Maybe if they send a PI to follow me, they'll realise that I lead a very boring life. School, mug, ball, go home -.- at most, I'll stop by some hawker centre to grab some yummy food, or stop by the bubble tea stall that I LOVE ALOTALOT.
Ha, it's a waste of time anyway. I mean, the time spent on those loveydovey stuffs could be used to read more books, go watch sunsets, suntan, play ball, or makan, isn't it?

And why did I slash ball?
That's simply because since tournaments have ended, no more bball for me. Seriously I've to start concentrating on my studies. Have been procrastinating these few days because I really didn't have the resolve. Now I don't have the mood too. I know this is a very bad attitude, but I will change or at least FORCE myself to change, because jeopardizing my studies to do things as and when I like would be stupid.
But for today, I shall sleep and wake up earlier tomorrow.

Oh and people, er, please do not tag anything that will remind me of today's conflict, thanks. Sometimes I just want to feel heartened by the fact that somewhere in some corner of the earth there are memories of the past, in case I turn into a bitch one day. Sometimes it just takes self-realization to change the status quo.


Now I see if I wear a mask i can fool the world, but I cannot fool my heart

Reflections.